Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
