Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
