his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
