You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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