do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Im part way to drunk.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
