after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
