We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
