dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
