im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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