Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
