shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize