Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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