I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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