i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
