'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
