nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
