just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
