nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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