I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
