I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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