I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dignity is for republicans.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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