some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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