Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
