So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
