Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
