Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Soap is not a condiment
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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