so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
