I wish I only lived at night.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
