why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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