Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
