and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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