if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Found your dick twin last night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
