im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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