before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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