Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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