Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
