i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
