happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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