ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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