I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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