sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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