I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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