I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the condom got lost in my hair
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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