I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
