I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
