I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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