They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
