Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
