I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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