oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
