So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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