Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
