I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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