we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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