I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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