I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Too much gin, very little bucket
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
