According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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