I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
